


BonD&D: Thunderdice

by Linorien



Series: 007 Fest 2019 [15]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies), James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: D&D, Gen, Thunderball
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-27 23:22:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19799875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linorien/pseuds/Linorien
Summary: In which James Bond and Felix Leiter are playable D&D characters. Its... a bit weird, but enjoy?





	BonD&D: Thunderdice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [midrashic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/midrashic/gifts).



> For the gift prompt table: d&d au, whether they're players or player characters  
> Oh. and if it's italics, they are using character voices.

“So, there’s these powerful magical weapons that have been stolen while they were in transit by a merchant called Largo. He used a powerful intimidating spell to convince a retired soldier to drive the caravan straight to him. He died though. Now Largo has these weapons somewhere in the Ba’Hama Lake District and has issued random.”

“So he’s like a pirate?” Kyle interrupted. 

Becky looked up from her notes with a sigh. “I can’t even get through the intro without you interrupting? But, yes, he is like a pirate. He even has an eyepatch and a fancy ship called the Disco Volante.” She pulled out a Monopoly piece of a ship and placed it on the map. “Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find and recover the weapons.”

“Felix accepts, but only after inquiring about his reward,” Mary said. “He’s got a wife back home so he wants to make sure she’s well off.”

“Oh yeah, you’ll be rewarded handsomely. 500 gold each.”

“Awesome.”

“What about James?” Becky looked at Kyle.

“He’s already out the door. Can’t wait to travel.” Kyle laughed. “Any excuse to get away from the girl he had a fling with last night.”

Mary laughed. “Typical. What’s your character class? Flirt?”

He grinned. “It’s seductress.”

“Alright, before we get too off-topic without even starting the game, let’s get your characters on the map.” Becky pulled out a red and a blue piece from Sorry. She set them both down near the ship. “Your respective agencies have both sent you here to work together to recover the weapon. As you know, you’ve worked together in the past so even though you have some differences in methods, you make a good team.”

Kyle and Marry high-fived across the table. They proved that last session as they burned their way across Phandolin. 

“So you’ve arrived in Ba’Hama. What’s your plan?”

Kyle grinned. “First things first, we hit the bar and look out for babes.”

“James can do that, Felix has his magical binoculars out and is looking to see if he can see the Disco Volantro.”

“Volante?”

“Yeah that.”

“Okay roll perception for me.”

Mary picked up her d20 die and gave it a good shake before tossing it onto the table. It rolled with a very satisfying clatter. “Nat 20!” she shouted. “Yes! I can see everything!”

“Yeah you are suddenly gifted x ray vision and, no.” Becky smiled and consulted her notes. “You do see the Disco Volante out in the bay. It’s big and stands out against the sky so that’s actually really hard to miss. But you also see a smaller boat coming ashore and your elf eyes are good enough to recognise Largo from the sketch your boss gave you earlier. You also see he has a younger woman with him. A human, but beautiful for a human.”

“Can I see if they left the keys in the boat?”

“No, you can’t see what is needed to start the boat from the bar.”

Kyle rolled his own die on the table. “17 plus, oh, minus 2 to spot hot babes.”

“Fine, you can see plenty of good looking women, only one dwarf, a really sexy dragonborn, but all of them are with someone else.”

Mary spoke before Kyle could. “Before James gets distracted, I’m going to fill him in on the important things I saw.”

“Do we know the name of the woman with Largo?” Kyle asked. Becky shook her head. “James is going walk over and ask her then.”

“Alright. They’re coming this way anyway, so you meet them at the edge of the patio bar. What do you do?”

“James walks over, being all suave and cool, swaying to the music that’s playing, and says  _ Excuse me, miss, it looks like you’ve got dancing feet and I just wanna groove with you. _ ”

There was a moment of silence before both girls burst out laughing. “Are you trying to ask her name or seduce her?” Becky managed to ask through her giggles. 

“Um. Seduce I guess. But just enough to maybe let me buy her a drink.”

“Alright, roll persuasion then.”

“18 with my modifier.”

“Okay, she laughs and is amused by your antics. However,  _ Sorry, I’ve got two left feet. Dancing is not my style. _ ”

_ “Can I buy you a drink then? I know being on a boat, surrounded by all that undrinkable water makes me parched. _ ”

“She looks at Largo, and then back at you without either of them saying anything.  _ One drink. But I cannot stay.” _

“ _ Excellent. Now I think you’re a woman who prefers daiquiris. Something tropical. Lime, perhaps? _ I then hook my arm through hers, awkwardly because I’m guess she’s taller than me, and I lead her to the bar.”

“Ah, not quite. Largo isn’t going to let her go that easily.  _ You can bring a lemonade to our table, but Domino is staying with me. _ ”

Kyle frowns for a moment, but then gets an idea. “ _ You better come along to make sure I get the right drink. A lemonade for the princess and for you, something strong. Rum. Or, no, not with that hat, you like something smoother. Something to fit your charming smile.” _

“Is James flirting with Largo now?” Mary asked. 

“James Bond is an equal opportunity seducer.”

“Then you need to roll for me.”

Kyle rolled, the die clattered, he frowned. “Two. Plus one but that isn’t going to help much.”

“No it is not. Largo actually takes a step back and then pulls Domino away from you and toward a table.  _ Excuse us, we’ll get our own drinks.” _

“Felix hurries up to them.  _ I’m so sorry for my friend. _ And then he slings an arms around James, kinda holding him back.  _ I told him to ask you if you owned that gorgeous boat while I settled the tab, but as you can see he’s had far too much to drink already. Again, so sorry,”  _ Mary says. “And I’m guessing I need to roll for persuasion.”

“Yup.”

“Six plus three, nine.” She grimaced. “That’s not gonna work, is it?”

Becky shook her head. “Nope. Largo pulls out a long knife and holds it out toward you.  _ Leave us alone. _ ”

“Yeah we back away fast,” Kyle says. “And James is absolutely glaring at Felix for intervening when he had it covered.”

“Didn’t look like you had it covered.”

“Okay so you’ve retreated back to the bar, Largo and Domino are ordering drinks at their own table, what’s your plan?”

Mary hummed. “Are they just ordering drinks or ordering food, too?”

“Umm. roll perception for me.” Becky also rolled a die behind her board.

“Twelve minus two.”

“I’ll give it to you. You can hear them talking to the waiter long enough that they are probably ordering food as well.”

“Okay then I’m grabbing my bag and James and we’re going down to the beach. If they’re here, they aren’t on the boat.”

Kyle raised his hand to give her a high five. “Genius.”

* * *

It was a decent plan. They rolled well to swim to the boat and to investigate the boat. They both saw the underwater hatch. Kyle even elected to spend some luck to have the hatch be left open and then climbed inside. James pulled himself up easily, but Felix slipped and knocked over a unch of fishing poles. 

“Oh shit,” Mary said. She looked up at Becky. “Any chance no one heard that?”

Becky raised an eyebrow and rolled a dice. “You got lucky, they haven’t noticed yet.” She sounded a bit disappointed. 

“Phew.”

“ _ Felix! Keep it down over there!”  _ Kyle hissed as James

“ _ I didn’t try to knock them over. Where’s the best place to hide sailor?” _

_ “In the kitchen.” _

_ “Really? But it’s nearly dinner time. There will be people in there.” _

_ “Perfect! We’ll blend in.” _

_ “Not soaking wet! Ugh, this is why your wisdom is so low.”  _ They all laughed. 

“Well what do you suggest?” Kyle asked. 

“Obviously, we should, wait. Was that in character or not?”

“Uh, it wasn’t but let’s pretend it was.”

“Right.  _ Obviously, we need to hide in here. If anyone finds us we can say we jumped in to cool off. And then we can look for the weapons at night when everyone’s asleep.” _

Becky picked up from here, sensing a lull in the adventure. “Alright so you both hide here and thanks to a low roll from the one guard earlier, you remain undetected. A few hours pass and, make a perception check for me?”

Kyle rolled a 6 and Mary a 12. 

“You hear someone arriving in a smaller boat but you can’t tell who. James, your watch is broken so you don’t know how much time has passed. People have come down into this room a couple times, but you remained hidden. You wait longer and by now you estimate it much be close to night. You’re hungry enough. Suddenly, the engines rev up and you’re moving forward. You can also hear footsteps approaching. What do you do?”

“Is that hatch we came through still open?” Mary asked. 

“Yes.”

Mary nodded. “Okay, Felix is going to look around and see if there is scuba equipment.” She rolled the die. “Fourteen. Do I find any?”

“You can see that there’s some wetsuits hanging, but no scuba gear.”

“Okay, nevermind then.”

Kyle tilted his head to the side. “What were you thinking?”

“I was thinking we might want to hide in the water and hold on to a rope or something so we don’t get swept away.”

“Dude, we are finally dry now, let’s not go back in the water.”

“Well then what’s your plan? Just Vulcan pinch the people who come in?”

Kyle shrugged. “Yeah. James isn’t the smartest, but he’s good at hitting things.”

“True.” Mary turned to Becky. “Can we assume we discussed that in game?”

“Yeah sure. And now the door opens and two men walk in. They have uniforms, kinda, if you count white puffy shirts and black trousers as a uniform. There is a logo on both of their shirts which you assume is the logo of the Disco Volante. They don’t notice you, so you have surprise attack round if you want.”

“Yes, James,” he looks at Mary who nods, “and Felix jump out and attack these two.”

“Alright roll to attack.”

“Sixteen, plus two,” Kyle reported. 

“Twelve,” Mary said. 

Becky rolled two dice as well. “Oh boy. Critical miss on the first one. James just flat out kills this guy. You lunge for the first guys to, you said Vulcan pinch them?”

“Yup.”

“Okay you lunge for the guy and he trips on the door frame and slams his neck into your outstretched hand and manages to whack his windpipe on your hand. It actually breaks his windpipe and he falls backward, cracks his head and is out dead. However, because of this, the other guy with him, sees you both and dodges Felix’s similar attack.”

“Darn it!,” Mary exclaimed. 

“Sorry, not sorry. Roll for initiative while this guy starts shouting.”

James went first and knocked the other guard off his feet, but then the guard fought back and kicked James for a few points of damage before standing back up. Felix pulled out some brass knuckles to punch the guy and only got a partial hit. James pulled out a knife from somewhere and totally missed. The guard rolled a crit and shoves James back into the water before bolting to sound the alarm. 

_ “Get after him! Go!” _ Kyle shouted, motioning wildly with his hands. “ _ II’ll catch up!” _

Becky looked at Mary. “Felix’s turn. What are you doing?”

“Felix runs after the guard. Kyle’s right, James can take care of himself.”

“Alright, Felix is running after the guard. Are you just trying to catch up with him?”

“Yeah, but I also wanna make a perception check to see if I see anything to throw at him.”

She rolled a five. 

“Alright, plus two so with a seven you don’t really see anything useful. But you can grab a pencil someone left laying around. And throw that.”

“Yeah, Felix throws that and yells  _ Hey dipshit! You cheated in our game of fantasy phase ten! You owe me fifty bucks!” _ The others laugh. “Gotta throw him off.”

“That doesn’t work. He runs all the way to the kitchen and the place is crowded. All eyes turn toward him as he bursts in with you in pursuit. James, it’s your turn. What are you doing?”

“Now, James was a sailor once. Would he know if this ship has some kind of intercom system on it? Or alarm that alerts others?”

“You can roll history and see if you are familiar with this ship layout to take an educated guess.”

“Nineteen, minus two though.”

“Good enough. Yes. This ship is more of a recreational ship so there isn’t an intercom system, but it does have a standard alarm that can be triggered from the steering room.”

“Then James is going to ditch his clothes, switch into the clothes of the dead guy, and head to the steering room. What do I need to roll?”

Becky looked at her sheet for a moment. “Since you’re taking the uniform off the dead guy, whose name was Diego, by the way, I’m assuming you’re not really trying to sneak there, you’re just trying to blend in?”

Kyle nodded. 

“Okay then roll for deception. Okay, with a sixteen you make it up there no problem, but there are a few people who are suspicious. Inside, you see a driver at the helm and a first mate next to him looking at a map. They’re both elves, but they are so focused on the water, that neither of them notice you.” Becky smiled. “But now we jump back to the kitchen area.”

“Was there any chance that I noticed he ran into the kitchen and didn’t follow because I didn’t want to be seen?” Mary asked. “I mean Felix ran after him to stop him warning others, but if he ran to where people are, it makes no sense to let everyone see my face.”

“Umm, I don’t actually know if doors are labelled so let’s do a straight content roll. We’ll both roll a d6, no modifiers. If you roll higher than Felix didn’t enter.” 

Felix rolled higher. He stopped before the guard entered the kitchen and instead took off running up the stairs. He wasn’t sure where James was, but if he could figure out where they were then maybe they could gain some advantage. And, since it was night, it was easier to hide on the deck of the ship. Or at least that was the theory. Thanks to a critical failure, he was found and escorted to the captain’s cabin.

“Are we out of initiative?” Kyle asked. 

“Yeah. But let’s head back to James.”

“Okay then I want to cast an illusion charm on myself to look like Largo.”

Becky frowned. “You’re a rogue, not a wizard.”

“No but I have that one time use illusion necklace I won in that card game in fantasy Vegas. From that drow with the bleeding eye? I think it was back in January, but I have it written down.” He showed her the inventory on his sheet. Sure enough, there it was. 

“Alright fine. Roll to see how long it lasts.” He rolled a four. “Okay, four, I’ll give you one extra minute because this was an inspired choice. Or you can save that for an inspiration point later.”

“I only need the four minutes. So James casts this on himself and then walks in very confidently.  _ Just checking our bearing. How long until we get there?” _

_ “Eight more minutes, _ answers the driver.”

“Okay, James walks over to the skipper with the map. And he says,  _ show me where we are now?” _

“The skipper points to your current location,” Becky said slowly, not knowing exactly where he was going with this.

“And can I tell on the map where we’re heading? Is there an x marking the spot?”

“No. It’s a hidden magical weapon and they are ransoming two governments. They aren’t going to just mark a hiding spot on a map anyone could find.”

“Fair enough. Okay, James then orders them, in a very snooty voice,  _ speed up then! We’re on a time schedule! _ And then he walks out.” Kyle leaned back in his chair. “Does it work?”

“Roll for intimidation with advantage.”

Kyle picked up two of his d20 dice and rolled them across the table. “Ten and one.”

“Yeah these elves don’t have the strongest backbone. Like most of the crew, they are very scared of Largo and his power. You feel the boat speed up.”

“Awesome. How much more time do I have before the illusion wears off?”

“Two minutes.”

Kyle hummed.Then he sighed. “I wanna do crazy shit, but I don’t think its in character for James so I guess I’ll just wait here in case they come out looking suspicious.”

“Alright then back to Felix,” Becky said. “Felix, you’ve been escorted to Emilio Largo’s cabin. You’re outside the door now and the crewman has knocked.  _ Sir, we found a stowaway.” _ Becky paused, seeing if Mary wanted to interrupt with any actions for Felix. “The cabin door opens and an irritated Largo steps out. He looks about the same as he did when you saw him earlier. And since you do as well, he immediately recognises you.  _ You again! What are you doing on my boat?” _

“ _ Oh shit. This isn’t Steve’s boat. Oh no. It looks just like my friend Steve’s boat and I was waiting to surprise him. It’s his birthday tomorrow. Oh this is really embarrassing.” _

Becky giggled. “Love it. Roll deception.”

“Thirteen.”

She rolled as well. “He’s skeptical, but he believes you.  _ That’s strange, but for some unknown reason I believe you. But I can’t have you interfering with our private business. I’ll have to insist that you stay in a cabin and not leave. I have business to conduct that is confidential.” _

_ “Of course, yeah I completely understand. Again I’m so sorry for the confusion. Juts show me where to stay out of the way.” _

_ “Lead him to whatever cabin is empty. _ The crewman nods and leads you to a cabin down a flight of stairs. You just reach the cabin when you feel the boat slow down.

“When we reach the room Felix asks,  _ You’ll be locking me in then, I expect? There is a bathroom right?” _

_ “Yes.” _ Mary waits for more but, “He’s not a very loquacious person.”

“Right, so Felix asks,  _ Do I have to do something special with the toilet? I’ve never actually been on a boat this nice before. “ _

_ “Yeah, you just have to press a different button for number one or number two.” _

_ “Can you show me? I really don’t want to mess it up and cause more trouble?” _

“The poor man sighs and walks into the room and shows you the two darn buttons on the toilet.”

“And when he does so, Felix attacks him.” Mary rolled. “I rolled a 12.”

“Yeah his defenses are low. Talk me through what you do.”

“Felix tackles him onto the small bed and stuffs the pillowcase in his mouth to keep him quiet. He uses the sheets to tie him to the bed. Oh but after I take his clothes.”

“That was my idea,” Kyle said. 

Mary just scoffed at him. “An idea taken from basically every spy movie.”

Felix and James both made their way to the deck of the boat, lurking in the shadows. They peered overboard as a small craft and some divers were sent to retrieve something and bring it on board. James actually remembered he had that beacon to call for reinforcements and he put one on the outer hull while Felix dropped his in the water where they had stopped. No long underwater fights necessary. 

They were even super good at sneaking and they got back to their prison/cabin and took shifts sleeping, completely ignoring the man passed out on the floor, still tied to the bed post. He’d be fine. Totally. 

In the morning, Felix is escorted back to land while James swims. Agents from their respective offices are already waiting when James pulls himself out of the water. He’s dripping like a Greek god and shamelessly shakes his hair dry in the sun. Somewhere in the water he’d ditched his shirt too. 

“Congratulations,” Becky said. “You solved my ransom puzzle!”

**Author's Note:**

> Man, I don't know. I had a totally good idea for the beginning of this fic and then I realised I couldn't remember anything about Thunderball besides the boring water fights. Either way I had a lot of fun rolling my dice to shape this story.


End file.
